Vimmuuu is NOT getting married !!!
Disclaimer : None of the incidents or feelings expressed in this post is exaggerated, but I request you all to take it in the right spirit. And like how I always write- in case you don’t have the latest version of sense of humour installed in your brain, please do it ASAP.
They say the world ends by Dec 21st 2012. But my world ends in another 5 days !!!
My good old bachelor days are soon getting over! During childhood, I thought exams were tough; then during college, I assumed getting a job was difficult, but now, I know what the real difficulty or tough situation is – Marriage. Oh, the words that come along with marriage is really scaring me – commitment, understanding, relationship, bond, togetherness, love, kids, time, dependence, arguments, listening, noise, nagging, sacrifices, groceries, money, home, and a lot of sighing !!
Well then, you can ask me why I agreed for a marriage if I was against it or wasn’t ready for it. Read the following two conversations and you will understand why :
Me : Boss, I need a day shift. Its been three years and I am fed up of this night shift. Its affecting my health too.
Boss : We don’t have an opening now Vimal. Ok, heres a plan, we will give you a day shift once you announce your wedding date. That’s when you need it most, right ?
Me : (Whaat ?) Uh, hmmm… ok !
Mom : Dad has been pleading for a few of your solo snaps. Whats wrong with you? Why cant you send us some ?
Me : I don’t want to get married. Leave me alone. If you want to see me happy, then stop all this search.
Mom : Ok then, if that’s your decision, then even I have something to tell. If you aren’t getting married, then we are planning to join some ashram and live there for the rest of our lives.
Dad from behind: “what do you mean ‘We’ ?” He then snatches the phone from mom and :
Dad : She is going alone to the ashram. I am not !!
Me : Thanks dad.
Dad : and while your mother is away, I shall get married again.
Me : Whaaaaaaaaaattt ?
Dad : So what if you don’t want a company? I do ! I hope you are ok with that.
Me : FINE. Keep searching. You will receive the photos tomorrow !!
They started the bride hunt once again, but this time very rigorously. My brother and sis-in-law who were silent all these while suddenly came into the picture and assisted mom and dad. My bro created profiles in two different sites and I was supposed to log in every day and search for prospective brides. All those matrimonial sites are hilarious, I tell you; me and my colleagues used to have a look at these profiles after our office hours and we used to have a hearty laugh going through some of them.
I was so critical of all the proposals that I received and kept rejecting each one of them; oh, some of them rejected me too 😉 Since the whole thing was in a typical arranged wedding model, the girls physical appearance is, obviously, an important criteria. I don’t want to sound like a hypocrite and make the most clichéd statement – Ohh, I don’t go by looks ! Everyone does that if its an arranged marriage ! You can blame Shakespeare and his ‘Love is blind’ only if the wedding is because of your own mistake called love. Once, when I was unable to decide on a particular proposal, I asked my childhood friend Vinayan for help and this is what he said – “Vimal, you are getting married. She is going to be there with you day and night. Every morning, when you wake up, you would have to see the same face. Are you sure you can see this same face every DAY till the rest of your life ? That’s all I got to say.” With friends like this around me, how do you expect me to be normal ? 😀 😀 But he wasn’t wrong totally. There IS something called physical compatibility !
This bride-searching through different kinds of matrimonial sites kept happening for more than 6 months continuously and today, even if any of those girls walk down the streets, I could easily recognize them ! One fine day, dad send me Laxmis pics with her ‘CV’ 😀 I couldn’t find anything wrong with her snap or profile and moreover by then, I felt really bad for penalizing dad and mom for all the running around they had been doing to get me a bride. So I said a ‘yes’ for the next step – meeting her. Well, I couldn’t say no to the girl with her snaps or profile; but what if she rejects me after the meet ?? That was my wish too, so I wore a dark grey ‘dirty looking’ tee and a dirty denim. But fate was in my parents favor and definitely not in mine and Laxmis. She deserves a better guy! The way I said yes after meeting her was also funny – after meeting her, I came out of her home and was supposed to meet her ailing uncle who lived next door. I was busy tying my shoe lace when my dad came out and asked me if I liked the girl. I looked at him, but before even I could open my mouth to reply, I noticed that her mom was standing just behind my dad. Now, I cant say ‘no’(that would be too rude); I cant even say, “Shes oook” (how do I rate a girl in front of her mother?), so I nodded my head in agreement and simply walked away. By the time I came back from her uncles place, the parents were done with all their discussions on the wedding!! They got along really well with each other and everyone including my parents seemed happy and contended. What else do I need ? I just went with the flow since then. But I am glad things turned out this way. Our parents are always right and their decision never goes wrong, it never went wrong for me atleast.
Even though everything happened before even I could blink my eyes properly, both me and Laxmi were given two months to understand before getting engaged and almost 5 months for the big day. But my commitment phobia only increased with each day. I started seeing weird images just like how mirages are seen in deserts. I could listen to people speak even they are mouths are zipped. For example; when I went to the jewelry store to get my engagement ring, there was this guy at the entrance to greet us and I am dead sure that I heard him say – “Ladies and Gentleman, we have another person for the ‘dig-your-own-grave’ competition. Please help him with his handcuffs”. Handcuffs, seriously ! No wonder people named the engagement-wedding phase as COURTSHIP !!!
People find it hard to believe, but I couldn’t sleep and had high temperature the day before my engagement. I experienced a similar rise in temperature and also dysentery for a couple of days just after I gave orders for the wedding invitation. And now, I really don’t know whats going to happen on the d-day. A couple of days back, during one of our conversation, she mentioned that she has never been this tensed in her life before
(cant blame her) and has butterflies in her stomach already. Huh, butterflies in her stomach it seems. I have been having them in my intestine right after the engagement!!
Well, we are not the only ones who are scared of this whole wedding thing. On my last working day in office as a bachelor, I was mentioning to a few of my colleagues –
Me : Oh God !! I am shit scared of marriage !!
Colleague 1 : ((Goofy laugh ))
Colleague 2 : Arey, don’t be! Just….
Colleague 3 (before even colleague 2 could complete) : Ya, dude, even I am scared of YOUR wedding !
The rest of them joined colleague 1 in his goofy laugh and all I could do was leave a deep sigh!
I am telling you guys, this is going to end up as the worlds clumsiest wedding ever for which I am aiming an entry in the Guinness Books. I am pretty much sure that in my fear and general stupidity, I am going to make a mess of myself with all those customs and traditions. Fortunately, our mallu (kerala) weddings are like Maggi noodles – just two minutes. It’s the post marriage functions that drain our energy. Speaking of post marriage functions, these days honeymoon has become more or less like a mandatory custom. No marriage is complete without it. Its like, one is supposed to or else the marriage would be jinxed. Ugh !! The time anyone gets engaged, the next question from people is- “where have you guys planned for your honeymoon?” ; just like how those newly wedded couples get asked, “when are you planning a baby?”. I am sure people are going to ask me this ‘when baby’ question just after I tie the wedlock and walk down the aisle!
All this fear of mine, I guess, is because of my willingness to not change my way of living after wedding. For the last few years, I have been living all alone in this huge apartment. Even during my stay with Sujith, I used to live according to my whims and fancies and over the years, I had drawn an imaginary circle around me that I used to feel uncomfortable when anyone gets into the circle intruding my space. The first few months or even years are going to be really tough for me, probably for her too. And after that, like so many other marriages, we would have to get used to it !! 😀 😀 😀
My friends have already started asking me if I would change a lot after my wedding. This is to all those friends of mine :
“Guys, Vimal is the one who is getting married; Vimmuuu is not !” 😀 😀 😀
First / Working title : Butterflies in my intestine.