Guest Post : Raavan – A ‘Leaked’ Story (Part 2)
First of all, let me thank Blog adda for choosing the first part of this series as one of their Spicy Saturday Picks. I hope, the lazy bugger that Rakesh is, gets some motivation out of it and starts blogging on his own. Well, here is part two and there is something for you all to do at the end of this post. Read on :
Continued from Part 1
Rakesh grabbed a kettle from the table and proceeded towards the door.
He slowly opened the door and was shocked to see a person wearing a Khakhi uniform. Rakesh made up his mind to flee; he rushed inside to get the diary from under his pillow and opened the window to jump when……..
“STOP!!” shouted the person from behind catching hold of his shirt.
“Saaar!! You didnt pay the rickshaw fare!! I was waiting downstairs all this while!”
Rakesh: What? Damn you scared the hell out of me! Ok how much is it? And give me a bill with it! okay!!
After the rickshaw wala left the room, he continued reading the diary….
During the battle, both Vikram and Abhishek realizes that neither of them is going to win. Then, as they both fall down exhausted, Vikram notices a butterfly tattoo on Abhisheks shoulders.
Vikram : Dude, did u happen to get lost during Ayodhya Mela by any chance?
Abhishek : whaat?? How did you know? Actually, I was raised by hippies and my Hippie grandmother who died of drug overdose told me before her death that she found me wandering in Ayodhya Mela with a lollipop.
Vikram : I lost my little brother during that Mela, and he had the exact same tattoo. That’s means you are my….BHAAAIII !!!!
Abhishek : BHAAAIIII !!!
and they hug….. aawwwwwwwww…..
Abhishek : Dude, I am really sorry about Aish. Come, I will take you to her!
As soon as Vikram sees Ash, he opens his arms for a hug.
But Ash is now confused as she started loving Abhishek too. The three then decide to flip a coin and decide.
Vikram flips the coin which lands near Govindas foot.
After seeing the ever ‘Karishma-tic’ Govinda, Ash is once again in confusion !
And so they start ingey, pingy, pongy……
“An open ended climax for my audience to decide!”
Vikram after a long battle defeats Abhishek and saves Aishwarya. As soon as they start returning back from the jungle, Vikram gets stabbed by Govinda.
Nope Govinda is not the real ‘Hanuman’!!! (Twist in the tail, I mean, tale !)
He is infact the real ‘Raavan’ dressed up as Govinda!! The other ‘Raavan’ was an imposter!
“I always knew watching all those Abbas-Mustan movies would finally pay off! The audiences will love it just like how they loved the twists in ‘Race’. Even if they don’t like it, I don’t care. Reliance is paying for this movie, I get to decide whom I kill!”
Vikram defeats Abhishek in a duel. He takes out a knife to stab Abhish……..
“Wait, I am getting a call from Priyamani. I wonder what she wants at this late hour.”
Priya: Mani Sir, Mani Sir, it’s not fair. I heard they have released a song trailer for our movie and I am not in it.
Mani: Yeah, the promo song!
Priya: Mani Sir, Mani Sir, you know, na? This is my big bollywood movie. I am really worried about my career, Sir. All my films down south where I appeared in minimal clothes bombed. I know it’s too late, but can you still try and squeeze a little more screen space for me, Sir? Please Mani Sir.
Mani: Hmmm..let me think about it!
After Priyamanis call – “for those who think my movie is all about serious stuff, here’s some masala for the aam junta !”
Priyamani makes an entry from the waterfall in a bikini, Vikram is dumbstruck seeing her. He can’t stop ogling at her; he decides to make truce with Abhishek. He drops the knife and asks Abhishek if he can take his sister along with him.
Vikram : Whoa!! Sexy lady! She is damn hot man ! I need her!.
Abhishek : Ok buddy, here’s the deal, you take my sister and I get to take your wife, isn’t that fair enough? Don’t cry for both the girls! and btw, that was really mean of u guys to cut off her nose like that. I mean, what were you guys thinking?
Vikram : Sorry about that ! I apologize on behalf of my brother, Nikhil!.
Abhishek : Anyway, thank god for her nose job and all her other jobs, she is perfectly ok now. But, I had to pay a fortune for her hospital bills. And on top of it, I have to get her married also. Now, you know why I turned into a terrorist !
Vikram : No wonder she is a ‘Bomb’. (ARRs song ‘Behenn do, Behenn do, Behenn do, mujhe Behenn do’ fits here)
Abhishek: Okkkk dude, stop it ! Just take her and leave, will ya?
Vikram walks with Priyamani into the sunset; Abhishek walks with Aishwarya in the opposite direction – both in one frame.
Vikram defeats and kills Abhishek only to find his wife and his own brother missing.
After a long silence Vikram says:
“I knew I shouldnt have left those two play rangoli together with his ‘lakshman rekha’ thingy while I was away”
Vikram, all depressed, goes to a pub and over there, he watches Mallika ‘Hiss’erawat (in a cabaret cameo) performing a snake dance—‘maiyaa…..maiyyaa…..sita tho gayya gayya….mere saiyya saiyya…..’
He goes home and sends a facebook friend request to her. The next morning, when he checks his account, he finds that Mallika has accepted his request.
Vikram is finally shown smiling and blushing in the movie.
Abhishek surrenders during the final battle with Vikram. Both of them decide to settle the issue over a cup of Koffee with Karan. Abhishek, then takes Vikram to the place where he hid Aish.
Over there, they find Aish sleeping with the actor playing ‘Kumbhkarna’ ! (Sleeping as in literally and nothing else)
They close the door and come out :
Vikram : Sheesh. So much for all the fighting we did. Hey, you know what? Did any one tell you that you look so sexy in that mud pack?
Abhishek: aww..you think so? and I just couldn’t stop staring at your handle bar moustache. That distracted me a lot during our fight 😀
Vikram : awww….
They both hugg !!
Vikram : So, what say sweetheart, lets ditch that stupid lady and get married 🙂
Abhishek : No no, we will need her. This society will never accept us and we need to stay somewhere, right? We will convince Ash to share her apartment with us, you know, just like in that movie ‘Dostana’.
Vikram and Abhisheik get married soon and they lived happily ever after !
“Oh crap, now I need to find an actor for the Kumbhkarna role. Hmmmm…..got it. ‘Emraan Hashmi’. Theres no one in the industry today who can ‘sleep’ better than him. Moreover, in this role he doesnt even have to open his mouth!”
As soon as news spread about Aishwaryas kidnapping, all the loved ones men in Aishs life gathered for a search party to the jungle. The search party then reaches a dark isolated cottage near the waterfalls, when they hear a loud eerie wailing cry of a young girl!
(Then the screen goes black for a while! Suddenly, a phone rings on the screen (making sure the audiences are scared by giving a DTS effect from the rear speakers)
Jaya Bachchan (Vikrams mother in the movie) takes the call. She is informed about a bad news and that she has to reach the Dirubhai Ambani hospital urgently.
The police inform her about the tragic deaths of the search party. They inform Jaya that her daughter-in-law wasn’t what she appeared to be. She got possessed by one of ghosts in the jungle. And she kills whoever gets close to her.
A doctor from behind continues : “From our research, we have found she kills and eats only the heart of people who loved her while the others who were killed by her still had their hearts intact. Your son Vikrams heart, by the way, is still there, but I will show you the rest of those heartless corpses!”
He takes her to the morgue and reveals the 4 dead bodies.
She sees one by one – First Salman, second Vivek , third Abhishek and then…
Jaya notices the familiar looking toes of an unusually long legged corpse lying next….
She unveils the cloth and shouts “you Ch%^&^&@ sulphate!!”
(BGM of a song from ‘Abhimaan’, remixed by ARR, plays until the credits appear)
Rakesh after reading the diary, kept it under his pillow and got up to drink water.
Meanwhile at the Reliance Headquarters, the Ambani brothers, Anil & Mukesh got together after a long time for the current crisis. After much discussion and a few sessions of sumo wrestling, they finally put aside their differences and decided to start the negotiation talks with Rakesh.
Rakesh heard his phone ring; he knew the call was from Ambani. Rakesh tries to pick up the call, but it stops; rings and stops again. Rakesh grunts to himself, “What the hell!! That miser!! and dials back.
Mukesh : Hello Rakesh, this is Mukesh. Thanks for calling me back. I had no balance. By the way, you are on speaker phone now and I have my br…
Rak (interrupts) : Whatever! Just give me my Reward – my Diwali Tea Set, that too in front of all my ex colleagues!
Mukesh: Listen Mr.Rakesh, Emp no : 1200420, right? Before we start anything let me be clear on one thing, I dont negotiate with terrorists!
Rak : I am not a terrorist. I am just asking you which rightfully belongs to me.
Anil: You idiot! Do you realize that you are threatening the wrong Ambani here? It was me who is producing ‘Raavan’ not Mukesh!! If you had a problem with Mukesh, why did you have to steal MMYYYY script??
Rakesh: Okay who the hell are you?
Anil: Its Anil Ambani speaking you idiot!!
Rakesh: Really? Hmmm..you know what, I dont care who you are. I just need my tea set promised by Reliance!
Anil: Do you think that you are going to get away from this so easily?
Rak : As a matter of fact, I can! Listen you brothers, I know that Mr. Mani relies on this diary since he doesn’t have his script written anywhere else and so, to complete the movie, you need this diary. And besides, you can never trace me in Cochin!
Mukesh: Rakesh, before you speak further, I have a detailed work record of yours during the course of your time with us! It says here that you were the laziest employee in the history of my company! You were caught many times on various occasions sleeping at work. And it also says here that you were accused of producing false medical and food bills.
Rak : Those aren’t fake Mr.Ambani. Prove me wrong.
Mukesh : Your bill says you had Butter chicken from Saravana Bhavan!!
Rak : What is with you? I cant even eat an …er..organic chicken?
Mukesh : Yeah right, ‘Organic’ butter Chicken in Saravana Bhavan, a renowned pure vegetarian joint!! And theres more; you have even produced medical bills for Horse Tranquilizers. Why the hell did you need those for??
Rak : Oh god, What more do you have? Btw, I have an autorickshaw bill to reimburse. Can I send it to you tomorrow?
Mukesh : You dont work with us anymore Rakesh! How can you…oh, never mind. Werent you involved in the commissioning of that petrol pump in Thumbur? We have video footage of you smoking inside the server room, which ultimately caught fire due to your negligence and according to your final commissioning report, the explanation that you gave was that a ‘mad chimpanzee’ was smoking?
Let me summarize this for you Mr.Rakesh- Your negligence in work and your never ending submission of fake reimbursement bills led to the downfall of our companies share prices and I had to shut down the operations!!YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY COMPANIES DOWNFALL IN 2009 and you are blackmailing me because you still want that freaking Diwali Tea Set ??????
Rakesh pauses for a while and replies : “YES” and then continues, “Mukesh sir, you still have a chance to set things right between us. Everyone that year got a tea set for Diwali, except me. My best friends wedding is coming up and I need this cup set to gift him. You give me the tea set or else, I will publish these climaxes in some blog and ruin your movie. You must have heard about the Fake IPL blogger who totally sabotaged the team morale of one of the teams during that IPL tour. Well, there is this blogger called Vimmuuu who is more dangerous than that blogger. He is notorious for his toilet jokes and one mention about these scripts on his blog, you are doomed! Muhahaha!
Anil: Gulp! What if I give you alternative offers? You know like Life time Reliance-Reliance night calls free from 10pm-11pm?
Rak : But, I sleep at 9pm. Nope, wont work for me !
Anil : Reliance Dish TV connection with only Doordarshan Bihar?
Rak : No !
Anil & Mukesh : Do you want Hrithik or Sachin? Because, we kinda own them now?
Rak : hmmmm…[thinks for a while]..ok, here’s the deal. I am ready to oblige, if you can get me Barbara Mori serving me tea in that particular tea set?
Anil: Dude, I can’t!!!
And he bursts out crying!
Anil : Let me be totally honest with you man. I lost everything I had. I invested all my money on ‘Kites’ and it flew away without any trace along with my money and now I am almost bankrupt. I am depending on Raavan to clear off all my debts. The truth is, I can’t even afford your tea set anymore. Damn, I don’t even have balance in my phone.
Mukesh: And I am still trying to recover from the losses from last year since your last reimbursement!
Rak : Blah blah blah blah blah!!! Call me back in 10 minutes or else, this will appear in Vlokam !!!
After 10 minutes Anil tries giving Rakesh missed calls again from his Reliance phone. But his call doesn’t get through. —Network problem…Thank You for using Reliance Telecom— Soon after hearing this, Anil loses his cool and throws away the phone through the window and starts cursing his company, banging his head against the wall!!!
Anil then shouts at Mukesh : “Damn you Mukesh, you & your stupid Reliance. Never ever give Diwali gifts to anyone, you understand !!!”
And thus another round of Sumo wrestling begins at the Reliance house.
Well, this Karate guy went on and on with his imagination and somewhere I had to stop him from writing. Actually, this is not the end. There is more to it; there is a small role for me and even SRK and Karan Johar appears in the series in major roles. Now, you tell me, if you guys want to read the extended climax of this bizarre post or if this is enough ! Take the poll below and help us to help you 😀 😀 😀