Guest Post : Raavan – The Missing Tail (Part 3)
Below is the poll result :
Only 33 votes; not so encouraging. Its hard to believe that people actually voted for the 3rd and 4th option. Karate brat is going to hunt down all those people who voted against the third part. You know what, this part is specially dedicated to all those 6 traitors and to those who never bothered to vote !!! and yeah, also for those who commented in both the parts without even reading them !!! Here goes :
June 11, 2010 8:40 pm; Location:Vimmuuus apartment, Chennai
The weather was very bad that night. It was raining heavily & Chennai hadn’t experienced such a thunder storm in years. Yet Vimmuuu managed to ride his bike and arrive home safely. But through out the ride, he was in a deep thought on what to post next in his blog. He was thinking of new ways on how to make more interesting articles now that he has run out of posts after his Europe travel series. As soon as he reached his apartment, he noticed that his main door was wide open! He also noticed some dirty foot prints spread all over the floor near his front door which continued towards the hall of his flat.
He thought to himself, “who could be at this late hour??”
Suddenly, he heard the sound of a glass break from the kitchen. He got inside the house and picked the heavy telephone directory from the table. As he approached the kitchen, he could feel someones hand on his shoulder. He was frightened ! But with all his courage, Vimmuuu turned behind. As soon he saw the ghastly dark figure totally drenched and covered in dark clay and mud, he started screaming like a girl.
“Who the hell are you?” he shouted. He continued, “I am really dangerous, don’t try to intimidate me!! On second thought, take whatever you want, just don’t kill me!!”
Then a white spark of light appeared from the dark figure which actually turned out to be big wide grin of white teeth!!
Rak : Dude,its meeee, Rakesh, Karate Brat.
Vim : What the? You scared the hell out of me man!! I thought you were in Dubai? What the hell are you doing here?
Rak : Long story man. Ok, can we sit and talk?
Vim : No, not with those dirty legs.
Rak : Oh shut up! Don’t teach me about cleanliness, you ruined two bathrooms in that French train while you were in Europe !
Vim : That wasn’t me. Oh, never mind !!
Rak: Ok. But dude you gotta listen to this !
Vim: If this is about one of your girl friends, please, I don’t want to!
Rak: You know that I am a big fan of your blog & toilet jokes. And I think that’s your USP Ever since you got married, your blog ratings have come down drastically; you used to get 400 comments before. But then once you started posting about your loo escapades and garbage pictures, the ratings have sky rocketed. Now what I realized from all this is that you got to raise the bar a little more. We need more & more toilet jokes!
Vim : Hmm! Not a bad idea! But before that, I have to ask you something. How did you get in? Was the main door open when you came?
Rak : Ya it was! By the way where’s your wife?
Vim: So, she really left, huh? A few hours back, she threatened me on phone that she would leave the house if I continue writing toilet stories in the blog. I said, I cant !
All of a sudden they hear someone knocking on their door,
Vim: who could that be??? And what’s that rattling voice I hear? What have you dragged along with you, u devil?
Kkkkkkkk…rrrr…Kkkkkk…rrrr…and the main door started sounding like a vibrating cell phone in silent mode.
As they opened the door, they found a familiar looking face lying on their doorstep stammering & shaking like a live wire!
Rakesh & Vimmuuu couldn’t believe their eyes……
Rak : Is that who I think it is?
Vim : That’s SRK!!….OMG why the hell is he dying in front of my house???
Rak : I think he is having some sort of a seizure; Wait let me get my Horse tranquilizer gun & shoot him!
Rakesh quickly fires 2 rounds of tranquilizers on his neck! After a few minutes, SRK regains consciousness & starts to talk.
SRK : Listen gentleman, Mmm..mma ..ma..Mr. Rakesh, Is it? I am here for a b.b.bubb..buba…business proposition. You s..sss..ssee, while I was on the w..w..w.wway to meet Mr. Mmm..mm..ma..Mani r..r..ratnam in the jungle, I happened to ss..s..s..see….
Vim : Oh before you continue sir, I have something important to tell!
Rak : Huh?..What is it man?
Vim : I got a brilliant idea & now I have to go to the toilet!
Rak: Dude?? Don’t you want to speak to SRK? Its not everyday a celebrity shows up your doorstep !
Vim :Later dude! This is much more important than you think! Be right back!
Rak (to SRK) : So Mr., you were telling something?
SRK: I happened to see a half naked man covered in mud running away from his tent with something that appeared to be like that little diary your holding right now.
Rak: No this is not wht u think it is,This is just my Mathematics text book. I am preparing for my exam tmrw
SRK: C’mon, cut the k..k..k..k..crap man, I overheard everything you said to Ambani brothers in cochin man.
Rak: Oho..So you were following me, huh? Mr. Khan.
SRK : Oh it was simple; I just followed your auto & the trial of the dirt to your house! Listen Mr. Rakesh, Let me really honest with you. You do know that my new movie ‘Ra.one’ movie is under production. But apart from my twitter updates, we do not have an actual script for the whole movie. And moreover I had discussed with Mr. Ratnam regarding Red chilies’ keen interest in taking over the project. If you can check in that diary, you might even find a copy of the mail I sent him. And I guess everyone knows that I don’t allow anyone else to make a movie similar to mine. So would you be kind enough to hand over me that diary which contains the scripts NOW!
Rak: Ok. Now Let me check !
Rakesh opens the diary & finds a A4 sheet which is an email printout from Mr. SRK.
SRKs email read :
Dear Mani Sir,
As discussed, please find the changes in the script if you want Red Chillies to take over the rights of your movie:
- The movie will be titled as Rahul. K from now on (K for numerological reasons)
- The tag line for the movie will be Rahul. K — Dussss..Dil…Waale!!
- There will be a six pack song featuring me and Malaika, this time on top of a Jumbo jet.
- K.Jo. for the first time will appear full time in the movie; playing the role of Hanuman.
- We will cast Akshay Kumar as the hairy Jaambavan just to humiliate him.
- I will be play both the hero and villain characters named Rahul & Raj and Kajol will play Sita, but she would be named Seema.
- Arjun Rampal & Ritesh Deshmukh appear as monkeys along with K.Jo.
- And the most important change, Rahul & Raj will play super hero & supervillian resp.
SRK : So what do you think about my vision?
Rak : With due respect sir, I think this is total BULLSHIT! But tell me sir, who will be directing this?
SRK : well, now that Farah Khan ditched me, I have decided we will go with my KJO
Rak : What the fish? Are you sure? Don’t you think this movie is way out of his bubblegum territory? Anyway, what makes you think I am going to give this diary to you?
SRK: Maybe after you hear this killer dialogue, which I wrote myself, might change your mind!
SRK dons his famous puppy dog eyes look and starts delivering his dialogue :
Zindagi mein kuch banna ho, Kuch hasil karna ho,
Kuch jeetna ho, Toh hamesha apne dil ki suno,
Aur ager dil se bhi koi jawaab na aaye,
Tho apni aankhein band karke ,
Apni Maa aur Baba ka naam lo … aur kaho
: My name is Rahul and I am not a terrorist !!!
As soon as he finished his dialogue, Rakesh slapped him & slammed the door!
Rakesh: What a crazy idiot!
Rakesh, then, goes in search of Vimmuuu who was taking an unusually long toilet break. Rakesh felt something odd as he noticed some lights flickering from inside the half closed bathroom door. As he approached close to the door, he could see more bright lights flashing!
Rak : Dude, are you okay in there?
Vim : Yeah,yeah,I am alright. Come on in, the door’s open!
Rak :Dude, Are you crazy?? No way am I coming inside!
Then suddenly Vimmuuu opens the door and comes outside.
Vim: Whats the big deal man? Just hold this camera and get inside the bathroom!
Rak: Dude, eewww.. ..noo I cant do this!!
Vim: Dude, Just help me take pictures of the water closet!
Rak: What the hell? Why on earth are you taking pictures of the water closet?
Vim: Oh didn’t I tell you? You know, I think I should carryon my bathroom legacy and this toilet jokes to a whole new level. I am going to post 31 Toilet posts for the whole month, continuously! And it will be known as NaLooPoNa !! The abbreviation itself means ‘What if I go to the loo?” in Tamil. What say ?
Rak: Err..Okieee & why are you taking these pictures for?
Vim : These pictures are for the ‘Tragedy Thursdays’.
Rak: Man I think that’s a …err….wonderful idea & I have just the thing for you! I will be right back!
Rakesh quickly goes back to take a pen & then rewrites the title in Mani Ratnams diary as “Raavan-A ‘leaked’ story” on top of the diary & shows it to Vimmuuu.
Rak: Now, hold on to your breath!
Vim: I am; ever since you came in. What’s this man?
Rak : What you see in your hands is a special article on toilet jokes which I made just for your blog! So you can kick start your NaLooPoNa with my article!
As soon as Vimmuuus eye fell on the ‘leaked’ part in the title, he didn’t think much. He blindly gave Rakesh his wordpress account details and asked him to go ahead.
Vim : And, by the way, why was SRK here?
Rak: Oh he…..mmm..eerrr.. he left. He came over here to get some drugs from me for his ‘condition’!
Vimmuuu continued to take pictures for his Tragedy Thursday section while Rakesh begins typing the whole article on Vimmuuus laptop. After 10 mins.,
Rak : Finally, I am just a click away from destroying the Ambanis!! Muhahaha…Now all I have to do is press the publish button!
But before he could press the publish button the door belll rang at Vimmuus apartment!
“Can you get that for me, Man? I’m still kind of busy here. If it’s my wife, don’t tell her what I am doing!” shouted Vimmmuu from the bathroom.
As Rakesh opened the door he was surprised to see a shabbily dressed Anil Ambani in his innerwear and pants, waiting outside.
Anil: Rakesh Sir, I hope you haven’t published anything yet!
Rak : Well not yet! But I will, once I close this door!
Anil: No! No! Rakesh Sir, we have already accepted your demands! Here’s your Tea set like you asked for!
Rak : Wait a second, aren’t you forgetting something? Ahem!
Anil: Yes here’s Mr. K.K Kochunni, your ex-colleague whom we flew all the way from Kayamkulam.
Rak : What about my other colleagues? I clearly told you ALL my ex-colleagues right?
Anil: Do you have any idea why I am dressed like this?? That because I am totally broke now! You know, just to get the exact same piece of that Tea set, I had to pay a fortune to one of my ex employees. And your friend Mr. K.K Kochunni is charging Rs. 50,000 per hour to be over here. I already lost my House & Cars in this way!
Rak : Bahh! Whatever! And what about Barbara?
Anil: Sir, we couldn’t get Barbara. We still haven’t been able to trace after she flew away with our Kites & Hrithik! But not to be disappointed Mr. Rakesh, we found a cheap, I mean, good replacement for her.
Rak : And who might that be?
Anil: Presenting you Miss Rakhi Sawant!
Rakhi Sawant enters the room & starts dancing!
Rakhi: Oye Aniji,Dancing keliya Mein Double charge kar doongi. (Oh Anil ji, I will charge double for all the dancing).
Anil: ok ok Rakhiji. Rakesh sir, You know what the best thing about Rakhi is? Her English is just like Barbaras; we won’t understand a thing! Please Rakesh sir, this was all I could afford. I have nothing else to sell. Now my entire life depends on this movie. I beg you not to publish the script!
Rak : Hmmm… Ok..OK fine! Just do one more thing for me!
Anil (with a deep sigh of relief) : Tell me sir!
Rak : Just cover up Rakhi’s face for me. It’s kinda distracting me!
Rakhi: Heyy..No touchings wouchings…Wokay..anilji..Mein khud karoongi! (No touchings Anilji, I will cover it myself)
Rakesh: Now that all is well, let me go and cancel it for you!
Meanwhile, K.K. Kochunni looks at his watch and : Anil, its almost 11 pm now. I need my money for the hour !
Anil : Kochunni sir, here take my watch & my pants! Its all yours now!
Finally Justice was served to Rakesh! He received his Tea Set from Rakhi Sawant whose face was covered by a towel in front of his ex colleague, Mr. K.K.Kochunni & Mr. Anil Ambani himself! He had never felt this happy in his life! He was cherishing each moment of this grand victory of his! He walked towards the laptop on the table(in slow-mo) and he noticed Vimmuuu seated on the chair!
Vim : Ahh Rakesh, I did the honors for you man!
Rak : What do you mean?
Vim : I saw that you had forgotten to click the ‘Publish’ button to that post, so I went ahead & published it! Thanks man for your toilet story!
Anil started crying & banging his head on the wall.
Rakesh turned back to Anil with a sheepish grin on his face & said “OOOPS…Tea anyone?”
June 11, 2010 11:10 pm; Location:Vimmuuus Apartment
RAAVAN :A ‘LEAKED’ STORY, Published in V-LOKAM
Thanks a lot to all of you for supporting Rakesh. Now, if you wanna read more of his whackiness, its upto you all to pressurize him into blogging; I have had enough doing it! 😀