An interview with the sage!
Yeah, I finally met him.
The regulars here don’t need an introduction to the sage, but for sake of the new comers – there is this sage who kept appearing in my dreams and who made me publish a few anti-woman, anti-relationship posts*. Well, a few days back, I had the privilege to get his darshan which I have been waiting for since ages and following is an abstract of our conversation (abstract because, I had to censor the conversation here and there to avoid V-Lokam from being banned)
Me : Where were you all these days and what brings you now in front of me ?
Sage : I am here to appreciate you for your bravery, my child.
Me : My what?
Sage : Your bravery! I heard that you managed to keep your family and your in-laws under the same roof for more than a week and you also took them for a one day trip. That’s nothing but guts, my child. Fools like you are rare and I wanted to see one directly in person.
Me : Wait a minute. Did you just come over to abuse me?
Sage : Sarcasm isn’t anybody’s birth right, my child. Despite my timely advices and your own past experiences, it’s evident that you have not learned anything. Handling two families at the same time is not an art; its stupidity; its suicide. The fools and ignorant are always brave because they aren’t aware of the consequences of their actions.
Me : But isn’t all this a part of marriage?
Sage : Not for everybody. Why do you think people work abroad and take their parents only once in a while on a trip? Do you know anybody who has invited both set of parents at the same time for a trip abroad? People since ages have been claiming that marriage is just not about two individuals, but also an association of two families. As if the tensions, restrictions and issues from one family are not enough, people get married and invite some more from the new family and make their life miserable.
Me : Tell me one thing, why are you so against marriage? Did you become like this because of your own experience?
Sage : I have always been single and will forever remain this way. I am not against marriage at all. But when given a choice between marriage and bachelorhood, I would also choose the latter. Each one of us is entitled to a responsibility when we come into this world. And mine is to warn people on marriage and keep them away from it as long as possible. Some listen to me, some don’t. Most of them who have listened to me have become famous.
Me : Seriously? And who all are they ?
Sage : Hmm…top of my mind…Lord Ayyappa, Lord Hanuman, Issac Newton, Atal Bihari Vajpayee, Jayalalitha, Oprah Winfrey, Salman Khan and not to forget my favourite disciple – A.P.J. Abdul Kalaam.
Me : Whoa !!! Ayyappa and Hanuman??? How old are you then?
Sage : As old as the first marriage on planet earth.
Me : You shouldn’t blame me for not listening to you. You used to appear only in dreams, unlike now. How do I know if you are there for real?
Sage : Haven’t you ever heard of the phrase “chase your dream” ? Moreover, I have millions of other idiots to attend, especially those who are in the verge of falling in love. So, at times, it isn’t possible to appear directly in person.
Me : and with all your anti-woman theories, you also have women as your disciples!! That’s really surprising!! But does that mean even women have problems with marriage?
Sage : Of course, yes. But it is the men who are more affected because of marriage. If you quite notice between the two genders, it is the man who gets bald and it is, again, the man who gets the first grey hair. With all the pressure from his work and from his wife, his head gets boiled up and he starts losing hair. Very often, I have seen women pulling their bald husband’s legs in public saying that they never knew before wedding that he would go bald and that they committed a mistake, blah blah. But what they don’t realize is that they are indirectly blaming themselves for their husband’s baldness. Check out your own snaps a week before wedding and those that you have taken recently. You can notice two things; one, you have enough space in your head for a helipad, and two, you look huge. Putting on weight after marriage is another common thing seen among men. It is because certain individuals have a tendency to find their only solace in food because of the depression this institution called marriage creates.
Me : All married men would be aware of this, right? Atleast most of them ? Then, why didn’t anybody warn me? I mean, my dad, my bro, my friends.
Sage : Because certain people after marriage become sadists. They want every other guy to go through the same torture and that’s the only fun they get to have. They become frustrated with their lives and know very well that they have no escape. Wedding, in short, is a day celebrated by sadists to welcome another probable sadist to their gang. And with wedding, the groom loses that one thing which he had preserved for so many years; in your case till 28 years!
Me : Errr…Umm… I don’t know how to react to this…mmm…
Sage : I meant Peace of mind, you pervert. You lose your peace of mind and that’s something which you are never going to get back after marriage. There are so many things which we need to learn from nature. How many times have you stared at birds or at stray dogs thinking how happy they were and if you could live like them -carefree? Have you ever thought what the reason behind their happiness could be ?
Me : No marriage???
Sage : Yes. They have a bond with their partners for sure, but you don’t see the animals getting married to each other. And, if at all they get married, it would be only to humans. You must have heard about the guy who got married to a dog, or the woman who got married to a donkey, haven’t you?? Another instance that we need to learn from nature is that women are as such dangerous. Do you know that among certain species of spiders and scorpions, the females devour the male immediately after mating, a phenomenon which is called sexual cannibalism. Why, even the mosquitoes that bite us are only females! Women have always been a problem in a man’s life. During his childhood, he gets succumbed to a lot of pressure from his mother in the form of restrictions and responsibilities even if he is the best lad around, and then when he enters college and work, he commits a stupidity by falling in love with the first girl who smiles at him who in a few days become his TAMER and tortures him to the highest extent possible. By now, the poor guy is reduced to a squeezed drumstick. You can guess how pathetic his life would be if he also had a sister. But the sister’s role is limited because she would be busy taming some other guy somewhere. Anyway, once he reaches his late twenties, he submits himself to marriage. He chooses to get into that adventure either with his existing tamer or with a new one found by his parents. This is when he receives a bonus – a mother-in-law!!!
Me : 😯 😯 😯 😯 😯 😯 😯
Sage : Don’t worry, I mean, there is no point in worrying now. You should slowly get used to all this; that’s the only way out. But I heard that you are already warning two of your female colleagues from getting married and that they are, now, in a dilemma. Nice work, my child. I am glad that you are getting into such social service. But try convincing those colleagues; don’t leave them in this state of neither-here-nor-there.
Me : Yeah, they were about to be on my side. But I accidentally made them read all those anti-woman posts* that you had asked me to publish. And, their dilemma right now is if they should trust me or not on my advices. Btw, should I publish this conversation of ours as a post ?
Sage : Of course, you should. It will also serve the purpose of keeping your blog alive for a few days.
Me : But you know what? The only reason I published them is because you are a sage and I know I can’t get away that easily by upsetting a sage. I get attacked by women from all over the world each time I publish your thoughts here. They fail to understand the actual intention behind the posts. Some of them take it personally and go to the extent of publishing a similar post against me. And, the ugliest part is that I don’t even have the men to support me. They always take the women’s side to impress them or remain neutral by leaving one of those useless ‘ROFL’ in the comments.
Sage : Yeah, men can be hopeless at times; its time they stood up for each other. Look at women, they are known for their cat fights and back bites, but when it comes to feminism, they all unite from God-alone-knows-where! But you have to publish this conversation and make people aware of the facts. And if any woman takes it personally, don’t worry, it is just a matter of their guilty conscious pricking!! Anyway, I have to leave now. I need to visit Shahid Kapoor and warn him about getting into a relationship with Priyanka. The poor guy isn’t realizing that his girl friend’s latest movie** is actually a trailer of his life!
Me : Ok. Before you leave, tell me where can I come and meet you if I need help.
Sage : Just think of me and I am there.
Me : Btw, whats your name or how do I address you ?
Sage (smiles): My child, you don’t keep a separate name for your conscience, do you ?
…….and he vanished !!!!
** 7 Khoon Maaf – Priyanka Chopra plays the role of a woman who gets married 7 seven times and kills all her husbands.
* The posts from the sage’s mouth :
Working title – Return of the sage!