- You are the next person to be billed, after having waited in a long queue for almost 30 mins, with groceries at a Big bazaar counter. You suddenly realize that you have forgotten your wallet.
- You are super excited about a well deserved vacation that you have been planning for the last three months. You finally reach the destination, but the weather plays a spoil sport and you get stuck in the hotel room throughout your vacation, with just a TV that airs shows in a language that you don’t understand.
- You are travelling and you need to use the loo very urgently. You finally manage to find a pay-n-use toilet, but you have only 100 Rs. and the person at the counter doesn’t accept anything but change.
- You get a sick leave approved from your boss, who is on vacation, and in a few hours, you meet him inside a movie theatre.
- You go with your colleague for a few drinks after having lied to your wife about staying late in office. Your colleague tags you in FB with the location and you are not aware of this. Your wife reads this and when you get back home, you still crib about the pressure in office.
- You are bitching about some colleague in office and the moment you end it, you see that person standing right behind your back, smiling at you.
- You are looking out for a job and upload an anonymous version of your resume in all the portals available. After waiting impatiently for more than a month, you finally get a call from some HR consultancy for an interview. The interview is for your position, from your current employer.
- You leave your helmet on your bike unattended and don’t find it when you return. You start your bike with an intention of getting a new helmet when, on the way, the cops catch and fine you for not wearing one.
- You take your parents and children to a nearby multiplex to watch Ice Age 4 and they screen the trailer of Jism 2 just before the movie.
The wall while getting on top would have been only 8 foot or so, but I had to actually go a long way down, like about 10 foot. And, while jumping, this was what I was shouting inside my mind—- “ Vimaaall, you are NOT 7, you ARE 27” !!!!
Thummmppp !!! Thud ! Thud ! Thud !!
At first, those sounded more like beats from the concert. But no, the sounds were from within. I actually fell on my legs like a cat, but my ankle slipped as soon as I landed, lost my balance and there I was on the ground. I gathered myself and tried walking, but I couldn’t. Same pain, same spot, same ligament tear problem; but this time, it was on the right foot. I limped all the way to the concert and watched it, standing along with a hyper enthusiastic crowd, knowing how bad my leg is. It was worse than the last time, but I didn’t have to visit a doc as I knew what exactly to do and there were a few leftover medicines. I decided to quit the gym, didn’t even go there to say I am quitting; can’t get an extension every time I wish, right?
With each passing day, I was growing horizontally and that became a concern for everybody around me. But you know what, I have a power; ya, like a super power. I have this ability to reduce my weight whenever I need to go for a trip or if there is an important event that has photo sessions. For example, I reduced around 5 kgs for my Europe trip and almost 3 kgs for my Malaysia, Sri Lanka and Goa trip. It just comes naturally to me; most of the times, a crash diet and at times, brisk walking for 1 hour would work. Earlier, the crash diet used to be the infamous GM diet, but these days, it’s just a simple fruits diet. I realized later how bad these crash diets are for the body as a whole and the only way to get rid of all that fat is to burn them by working out. I maintained my weight for almost three years doing all this, but never reduced because of the frequent intake of junk food. Yeah, somehow all those junk food are good only during ‘input’, and never during ‘output’!!!
My walking sessions became irregular when I reached Kerala, blame it on the unpredictable weather here. So, to avoid walking and getting wet in the rains, I bought a cross trainer from a friend who was leaving Trivandrum. He used it as a medium to dry his clothes and it seems, his daughter was having fun with it playing seesaw. He would’ve decided to part with it either because the deal was a steal for him, or because he could finally see somebody making use of it. Well, the latter didn’t happen. I used to work on the cross trainer initially like a kid who gets a new toy, but gradually, the frequency of using it reduced. And, before even I could realize, I started ignoring its presence in the room just like how couples end up being in a long loveless marriage. My dad once got so worried that he said, “Vimal, will you please use that exercise thing you have? We are no longer bothered about your weight; we have lost hope. But the machine, that needs to be used, or else, it would lose its lubrication and you would’ve to sell it for scraps. Use the machine atleast for the machines sake; show some sympathy towards it”!!! What to do; at times your brain, however old you are, goes back to those teenage years where you just ignore all these kinda advices, especially from parents!
But honestly, I started feeling the pinch too. None of my clothes were fitting me again and I ended up getting new formal trousers every three months; the mirrors and the cameras were refusing to include me in the same frame; had to do something urgently before I end up looking like a furniture at home! After spending considerable amount of weeks thinking on the options, I finally decided to join a gym. I, first, approached a celebrity gym which was near my place. They conducted a complete body assessment and scared me so much so that I kept wondering if I entered a gym or a Horror Maze in one of those amusement parks! However, inspite of all the marketing gimmicks, I didn’t join the place because of the exorbitant rates. Meanwhile, I happened to tell my brother about this gym and when I told him that actor Mohanlal goes to this place, he commented with his usual sarcasm, “ Mohanlal, huh ! Now you know how good that gym is!”
After a few gym hunts in the locality, I finally joined an awesome place. Those guys were less than a month old, with all the latest equipments and a good team of trainers. Moreover, they gave me an exciting introductory offer which was too hard to resist. For a change, I visited this place regularly and that too, working out every day for almost 2 hrs continuously. This gym was on my way to office and so, it was convenient to visit the place when I return home. Things went well, and I started showing some improvement in a months’ time. Oh, you know very well what happens after that sentence!!! Yeah, all good things need to end and blah blah!
I really don’t know how, but I managed to ‘earn’ a back ache during one of those sessions at the gym. For all I remember, this pain was there right from the second week. I thought it was just another muscle pain, from all the workouts, and chose to ignore it. It wasn’t hurting when I walk, or sit; but it did, when I bend backwards. I informed the trainers about the situation, and even they passed it off as a usual muscle pain. I kept working out this way for almost a month, but after a point, the pain became beyond ignorable. I consulted a physiotherapist at the gym; they had their own exclusive physiotherapist clinic upstairs and I used to wonder why! This guy took me to a huge room that had just two beds and a few ultra sound instruments, and asked me stay there. After a while, he brought in another guy and I had to explain the whole thing with flashbacks. They looked at each other for a second and :
Physio 1 (with a straight face) : Ok, remove your clothes!
Me : Whaaaat ??? (5 sec pause) Why????
Physio 2 : We need to see where the pain is.
Me : I already showed that to you. It’s right over here (pointing at the pain area on my back)
Physio 2 : Yeah, we know. But we need to see you move.
Me : Really? Can’t you just treat me without all this?
Physio 1 : Not possible. Remove your shirt and walk to and fro. And, stop only when we ask you to.
Me : (I walked like a model on a fashion show ramp, to and fro, without my shirt; grumbling throughout)
Physio 1 : Ok, please remove your trousers also.
Me : (Gulp!!!!) I could just lower the trousers if that could help.
Physio 2 : No, we need to see the exact position of your backbone.
And, so I walked once again, to and fro, with just my boxers. After a hectic day at office, a strip show is the last thing anybody should be doing in front of two guys. I seriously wasn’t enjoying the free show, and I am sure they wouldn’t have been too, for that’s how attractive my body is 😀 😀 😀 The next thing they asked me to do was lie down on my back. One of them pressed on the pain area and remarked, “So, this is where it pains, eh?” I couldn’t help sighing at that moment!!! At times, when I tell people something, they just don’t seem to understand it the way I want!
So, that was all about the show. No, they don’t have a recorded version of it, unless they had cameras installed in some corner of the room. Who knows; I might end up being a youtube star soon!! Those who came in here just for the strip show, I am sorry if it wasn’t spicy enough; you could stop reading at this point. And, for those who wants to know how my back is now, read on:
Those guys at the gym tried to sell their physiotherapist sessions, with a special package for existing members. But it turned out way too expensive for me. But who wants free sauna baths and daily dietician sessions, when all that required was to get my injured back back 😛 😛 😛 After getting two months’ extension from the gym, I visited another physiotherapist in the city and I am currently under treatment, wearing funny belts on my chest and doing a lot of exercises which, apparently, do not help me in reducing my weight!
Once I get over with my back problem, I might continue the gym until the subscription period and after that, I am just going to continue with my walks. And yeah, I still have that cross trainer at home, might as well make use of it too. You know what guys, I stopped dreaming about being trim and fit. I feel, my weight isn’t destined to get reduced and I am probably one of those who had been sent to this world to remain as a fat guy.
Btw, fat is cute, isn’t it ? 😛 😛 😛
Yeah, that’s right. But before I get into the actual ‘event’, let me take you all through a few incidents :
I have mentioned it so many times by now- I am a fat person and have always been fat. There was a time when I actually looked thin, but even then, people called me fat which, I think, is because I had some extra pound of flesh than my contemporaries! I have been trying different ways to reduce my weight right from my childhood – jogging, cycling, karate (yeah!), skipping, dieting! My mom used to wake me up at five in the morning and literally push me out of the house for jogging. But, the lazy one that I am, would be walking on the streets, in my own world, ala Ishaan in Taare Zameen Par. The moment I see my dad, who leaves home at around 6.30 am for work, I start running and I still remember that smirk on his face for he knew clearly that it was a fake jog. I loved my karate classes though, but had to discontinue it because of all those tuitions and homework that I had to catch up on after reaching home.
But, you know what, the reason behind my weight has got something to do with the wind or water in UAE, because I started reducing after I reached and stayed back in India. However, certain portion of fat remained as it is on my body and that used to give me one helluva time back then. Many of them advised to me to get enrolled in a gym and turn all that fat into muscles! Now, can you all imagine a muscular me? Well, I couldn’t ! Luckily, people in Kerala weren’t that health conscious during those days and there were only these pocket road gyms where you get to see people rotating those ‘elephantiasis affected baseball bats’ (never bothered to know what the actual name is)
I really don’t remember how and why, but I joined one of those pocket road gyms along with two of my best friends. There weren’t any treadmills, cross trainers or cycles; but, only weights, fat baseball bats and some horizontal poles. No name for the gym, no trainers, no coolers, no restrooms; but, just a thin watchman who was as old as the hills, a small room with so many sweaty muscle men and an open area with those poles! It was my first experience at a gym and didn’t look anything like what it was in the movies. We went for about two days to that sick place and then quit; it was bo-ho-ring! And, yeah , people also scared me by saying that my vertical growth will stop once I start pumping my muscles. Short and muscular- I would’ve looked like Aamir in Ghajini; not that it was bad, it was just so bloody odd! But, the funny part is I never grew vertically even after quitting gym!!
That was in 1998 and my next tryst with a gym was 9 years later; in 2007. Till then, I kept doing work outs on my own; so much so that once I even got a ligament tear on my right leg, behind the knee. I had to visit physiotherapists and people who belonged to that department to ‘mend’ my leg. Oh, sometimes, it was worse; I had to literally be like Spiderman whenever I used the Indian closet to just get up from that, you know, position!
And, this gym, that I joined in 2007, had a name – The Muscle Mechanic ! Well, the name was no inspiration to go, and there weren’t any other mode of inspirations too for a guy in his mid 20’s, if you know what I mean. I opted for their monthly plan because I wasn’t sure if I would continue for more than 15 days. And, I wasn’t wrong; I have always had belief in myself. I visited the gym for that whole month, but with breaks in between. Every two days, I had pain on my arms and legs because of the work out, and that made me sit at home! Once I feel ok, I would visit the gym again to get all the pain back and take rest once again. This continued for a while and I got bo-ho-red of this routine too.
That same year, one of my colleagues joined this hifi international gym (name withdrawn to avoid unnecessary and annoying hits; it IS that famous) near our office and kept promoting the features and facilities at the gym to everybody in office. I decided to give it a try, even though it was a bit expensive than the normal gyms. But then, it wasn’t a normal gym too; I had all the right kind of inspirations inside, including a juice bar!! I got lured by his marketing skills and joined this place for a three month subscription, with a hidden philosophy that if I pay more, I will have an obligation to go regularly. Now, since it was located near my office, I gym-med (pardon me you english maniacs, that word actually sounds good), took bath from the gym itself, had a glass of flavored soya milk and then left to office. Aaaah, that was life! This new routine kept continuing and, guess what, I even started showing improvement. My colleagues kept embarrassing me in office about the way I walk or jog on the treadmill. But yeah, I wouldn’t blame them; I get to see myself on the mirror when I use the treadmill and I must admit guys, I walk like a pregnant duck!!
Whatever, I went regularly for a month when tragedy came in the form of an office get together. You know how these Indian office parties are, initially very sober and just when they serve food, they would start the DJ. Yeah, I got into the dance floor that day to exhibit my Govinda steps (now don’t give me that ewww look; Govinda steps aren’t that bad. I try the same steps even for the western tracks). Probably Govinda didn’t like me copying his steps that day, because the moment I entered the floor, I tripped and hurt my left leg. But you get this energy from nowhere when you listen to those tamil fast numbers and so, I continued dancing- for two hours – non-stop. I got back home with a huge foot; consulted a doc the next day and realized that I have a ligament tear (a new one) near my ankles. I was asked to stay away from the gym for the next three months. So much for all the three months subscription; I was bed ridden for a few days with a prescription!! Woah, subscription and prescription; I could be a poet. Anyway, you know what happens when you suddenly stop going to the gym, right? Yeah, I started bloating up again. To add to that, because of the leg, I turned into a partially immovable asset, ok, liability, which helped in converting whatever I ate into whatever we all hate – fat !!!
Three months went by, and I joined the same gym; had to literally fight with them to enroll me for free since I had two more months remaining as per the subscription. But you just can’t change destiny, can you? I chose a Sunday to visit the gym; went in the morning and came back home with a sense of achievement. That evening, there was a concert by A.R.Rahman and though I had a VVIP entry pass, I wasn’t let in by the cops because of the huge crowd. I waited restlessly for an hour outside the venue when I saw a couple of guys climbing a wall and jumping into the ground. “Hmmmmmmmmmm…..”I thought !!! There was a transformer near the wall which helped me get on top of the wall. Just then, I saw the cops shouting at me asking me to get down. I had no other choice but to jump, because if I got down, the cops would have rewarded me with a few lathi shaped marks on my rear. The wall while getting on top would have been only 8 foot or so, but I had to actually go a long way down, like about 10 foot. And, while jumping, this was what I was shouting inside my mind—- “ Vimaaall, you are NOT 7, you ARE 27” !!!!
Thummmppp !!! Thud ! Thud ! Thud !!
to be continued……
Well, nothing! I just needed a title, sensational enough, to get you guys to this post 😀 😀
Guess what, I recently realized that some of you still don’t know that I am based out of Kerala now and had left Chennai, like, 2 years ago. And this, inspite of shouting so many times over my blog about me missing Chennai and cribbing about Kerala ! 😀 😀 😀
I am not kidding guys, it actually happened a few days ago, with a supposedly regular reader of mine. It got me thinking; people don’t read what I write but then, still manage to comment. How and why do they do that? I always say that these days I write only for myself. Did this happen because of my selfish motive of keeping myself entertained through my blog? Is it because I don’t write anything worthwhile that caters to everybody’s interests? You know, some of you write poetry, on maids, on cookery, on sports, on maids, on books, on children, and yes, on maids and all that I write is either on music or on the clumsy days of my life. Yeah yeah, I didn’t forget; I also write on marriage and women, but then all those can be easily clubbed under ‘clumsy days of my life’ ! 😛 😛 😛 But this can’t be the reason too, because I can’t satisfy all the visitors here; nobody can ! So, what is it ? I wondered. And, when I didn’t find a suitable answer, I quit wondering ! 😀 😀
Why is this space so silent then? Asked many bloggers! Errrr, actually, only two; although, both of them clearly know why I have been keeping myself away from blogs. But whenever given a chance, they would still ask me, “arrey, when are you updating your blog?” !! One of them keeps reading my older posts, it seems. I don’t know for what joy; probably to get inspired on how-to-never-write-like-that, or simply because that person is totally jobless ! 😀 😀 😀 The same person mailed me recently saying it has been 3 months and 15 days since I posted something here; a human alarm!!! But you know what, I just love such stalkers; they make me feel important! Yeah yeah, I know you are reading this and I am sure I would never lose you as a reader or as a friend, even if I abused you publicly with your name! 😛 😛 😛
Oh that reminds me another important thing, I have managed to make some of the best of friends here through my blog and I am sure they are my friends forever. Be it a sms, or a chat, or a call, we often connect some way or the other. Since we all know how occupied each of us are, there’s absolutely no pressure to keep in touch and we all give each other that space we require. I don’t know how many of you guys know this, but I am a kind of person who loves socializing with people, but when it comes to my private space, I am a miser. I don’t let people that easily into my space and I feel suffocated when people thrust themselves onto me. I try my best to stay away from these kinda people; I ignore them and I have no issues admitting that. Why is it so difficult for them to understand that I have a life and I have priorities of my own? I have given access only to a few of my best friends to come into this so called space and even they are aware of the fact that I am best left undisturbed whenever I wish to curl back to my shell.
So, where was I ? Aaah, blog friends ! What do I do without you all ? Even if you check my interactions in Facebook, most of them are still with the same blog friends; there is hardly any connect with my other friends over there. I feel except for you guys and a very few close ones, nobody knows me over there. How does it matter, eh? B’cuz Facebook is such a fake book, I tell you. It’s a place meant only for attention and appreciations; nobody can stand public criticisms. You can tease others in public, but when you get teased the same way, the teaser gets out of your friends list!!! (I can see the Brat smiling already 😛 😛 :P) It is not that I don’t enjoy being there; I have been having some good time goofing around commenting irrelevantly on others updates and photos. But at times, it gets on my nerves. How many times can one read a status message like this – “Sipping tea, reading newspaper and looking at the clear sky from my balcony. What a morning!”, that too from the same person every week! Or even this from the same person every week –“evening tea, hot snacks and watching the world out of my window. What a life” !! and not to forget the highly mushy love messages….oohhhh god, I have often felt killing myself reading all that !! The worst are those who keep updating their location every minute; I mean, does anyone actually care if somebody is in XYZ restaurant or at ABC airport or even in the kitchen ! Weird, isn’t it ? Wonder why nobody updates their loo visits; now, that would be interesting ! and I know it sounds a little insensitive or harsh , but every other child in Facebook is an angel/princess or a prince, which is, at times, so bohorrring !! Probably, it has something do with my psyche; I find it difficult to appreciate anybody in public. I prefer travelling in the deserted road of insult rather than the crowded lane of appreciations But then, Facebook has a lot of good sides to it too. You could get to see some of your old snaps that you might have missed, connect with those friends whom you have lost before the mobile and email era, get to watch a lot of amazing videos that people share, read funny status updates and jokes, and yeah, also get to know who all in your friends list clicks on those porn spams 😀 😀 😀
I got into Facebook when being regular in blogs was a problem. I still read all my favorite bloggers, but do not take the effort to comment. But yeah, if I get mentioned in any post and when I am informed about it, then, I do. So much of demand I show, right? I know ! Even in Facebook, quite recently, one of my colleague asked me why I untag myself from all the snaps. Well, I told him that it’s my profile and that’s how I want it to be. But then, there is a reason behind me untagging myself from all those random pics. I am very particular about my pics and I would want only the best ones to appear in public. Ok fine, go ahead and call me a narcissist now; who isn’t ! As it is, my profile is flooded with my different kinds of pics for people to make fun of. Why add new ones and that too ones in which I don’t look good!! Oh dear photo taggers, I do understand that it’s a thoughtful act when you tag me; but what to do, even I think of you twice before untagging myself 😀 😀 😀
You know what, I should just move away from this Facebook topic! I could go on and on. Infact, I was about to come up with a Facebook first anniversary post when this post came up! I didn’t want to sound repetitive, but then, I still want to write another post about the do’s and don’t’s in Facebook! And, also a post on all my status messages so far. Didn’t I just write, I need to deviate from this addictive topic ? 😛 😛 😛
What else is keeping me occupied these days then? Hmm, I have been working on a few videos, one of which was showcased during our office annual day along with my song. I should be sharing that with you guys in a week or two; need to edit a few portions in the video before making it public. My karaoke recordings are going on in full swing these days; will be touching the magical 75 with a few more attempts. I re-heard a few older songs of mine recently and noticed that some of them need to be polished. I would have to work on them now because I feel there is no point in reaching any milestone without having convinced myself on the quality. I have been trying different genres now, but with each song, I realize that I have a long long way to go.
Speaking of going, I think I should leave now. One reason why people don’t read my posts should be because they are too long and boring. What to do! I really don’t know how to make my posts short; each time I try that, I feel I am not doing justice to the space wordpress has given me here 😀 😀 😀 But, I am glad that there are people still waiting for me to publish my usual non sense. And, I dedicate this post, one that has no beginning, no structure and an abrupt ending, to all those who haven’t given up on me. Thanks guys, for being around! I so miss being with you and your blog these days! Hope to come back to blogging for good someday.
Btw, you….over there….you reading this, right? Happy? Now, don’t ask me for a month about my next post! 😀 😀 😀 😀
Not the usual format, right? Well, I have started writing a column for our office newsletter and the above was my second article.
And, this was my first attempt :
PS : Couldn’t update V-Tunes regularly this year, because of the series of electronic disasters I went through. But, I have no intentions to spare you all in 2012. No, seriously !!! 😛
Based on the theme-Every husband has a sad story to tell, Chotta mudhal chudala varey, is, by far, my most ambitious project (woah ! I sound like one of those bhatts, na? :P). The 12 min. video, written and narrated in Malayalam with Malayalam movie songs and a few dialogues, features my Dad, Mom, Brother (yes, Mr.Vinoj Vijayan), S-i-l, the Missus and of course, yours truly, as the main leads. Aaaah, now you understand that I wouldn’t even leave my dad and mom, if all that I need in life is a few legs to pull ! 😀 😀 😀
This isn’t the actual launch of the video; it has already (or only :P) garnered 108 hits as I write this, and has been showcased to only a few of my relatives and extremely close friends. I wanted to share the video in FB, for a wider audience, but definitely not before I upload it in V-Lokam, because this is where I started it all.
Guess what, I had sent the video to a few non-malayalam speaking junta too (Northies, actually), and it looks like the video and its ‘underlying theme’, is understandable!! 😀 😀 😀 Anyway, let me know how it is!
Here’s the youtube link – Chotta mudhal chudala varey , in case, the video uploaded here isnt working!
Oh btw, if you are planning to watch it during work, make sure you have a headset or an earphone plugged in; ‘cuz on mute this video would make absolutely no sense 🙂
And, for people who are wondering how the women folk reacted after watching the video, well, ‘they all took it in the right spirit’. The fact that I am still alive is the best evidence for that tall claim! 😛 😛 😛
Technically, this is my first duet and that too with another blogger. Shruthi, if you guys didn’t know, is a classically trained singer and even does stage shows. Very often, we discuss and gossip about music and at times, I even take tips from her on certain songs. All of my earlier duets were recorded by retaining the original female voice of the song and once, in my desperate attempt to do something different, I also went ‘bisexual’ for chaiyya chaiyya. But this thought of singing with somebody else had always been in my mind. None of my plans worked out because of various reasons and when I suggested this idea to Shruthi during one of our conversations, she agreed without giving it any second thoughts.
Well, as you know, this is not one of those regular film duets but it was fun doing something different and I consider it as an honor to have sung this song along with Shruthi.
Ok, ok, enough of my yapping; listen to the song and, this time, please let ‘us’ know how the song is 🙂 🙂 And, also please read Shruthi’s post here.
Yeah, Don 1 song on the eve of Don 2 release! Now that’s what I call timing!! Well, actually no, both of us have been planning to publish this ever since we completed the song, more than a year that is! We wanted publish the song in both the blogs at the same time, but then, like all the late comers say, everything has got its own time and better late than never!! Oh, there is another reason for posting this now; Shruthi is supposedly leaving the Indian soil in a couple of days and I am sure, with her new role, “Shruthi ko pakaddna mushkil hi nahi, naa mumkkin hoga” !!! 😛 😛 😛
PS : I actually had a huge anti-SRK write up here; almost a page and a half, you know, trying to provide some negative publicity for Don 2. But, decided to delete the whole part since this is Shruthi’s first song over here and I didn’t want all the attention to shift towards that loser SRK. Also because, being a huugge Ex fan of SRK, all those remarks against him would make me sound like I am bashing an ex-girlfriend !!! Not worth it, seriously !! But you know what, I feel much better now; I have managed to reduce Mr. SRK to a mere ‘PS’ 😀 😀 😀
((The V-mphony page is also updated with the song))